Shy, sensitive, introvert, wallflower: To the non-shy, non-sensitive, extroverted social butterfly, they may all fall under one definition. You’re the quiet one who finds safety on the sidelines and doesn’t engage with others. You have nothing to say and have no social skills. But, surprise, this perception is not only wrong, it’s unwarranted. Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), introverts, and sensitive introverts can have a healthy social life. And we (yes, both the highly sensitive and/or introverted) can inspire others to have healthier social lives if others will only pause and pay attention.

(And therein lies the key. But more on that later.)

Sensitivity vs. Introversion: Are They the Same?

To the casual observer, sensitivity and introversion may seem synonymous. Rarely does either describe the life-of-the-party or the winner of popularity contests. But rarely, if ever, do those metrics tell the whole story.

Descriptors like “shy,” “quiet,” and “keeps to himself” may fill out the assumptions about these personality types. And yet, they are incomplete at best.

One key difference distinguishes introversion from high sensitivity (or sensory processing sensitivity): 

Introversion describes how you relate to others, and sensitivity describes how you relate to your environment.

Put into question form: Are you overwhelmed by socializing, or by all the stimulation from your environment? 

Introversion is probably more widely understood (or at least familiar) than sensitivity, perhaps because people quickly interchange it with shyness. “You’re either a participant, or you’re not. You either socialize, or you don’t.”

But introversion and shyness are actually quite different, as are high sensitivity and shyness. For one thing, introversion is a personality type, high sensitivity is a personality trait/temperament, and shyness is an emotion.

While introverts are easily drained by their social engagements, shy people are actually uncomfortable in social settings. They may feel awkward, out-of-place, and/or anxious.

Introverts don’t necessarily feel awkward in social situations. They can actually be great conversationalists, especially when they believe they have an important message to share.

But they do become easily overwhelmed by socializing and tend to prefer solitude or small, intimate gatherings.

When comparing introverts and HSPs, we refer, at least on the surface, to what drains their energy.

Introverts are drained by socializing, especially with large groups of people. 

 

 

 

HSPs, on the other hand, are drained by multiple factors in their environments: lights, sounds, tactility, emotional energy. They are also drained by their own internal environments – namely their depth of processing.

You can, of course, be both sensitive and introverted. After all, about 70% of HSPs are also introverts. (Multiply that by the 15-30% of the population estimated to be highly sensitive, and that means approximately 11-21% of the population are both.)

(Read here for an in-depth comparison of introversion and high sensitivity.)

In order to ensure that the sensitive introvert can have a healthy social life, it’s important to understand some distinctions:

• • Both introverts and HSPs think very deeply.

    
    
    Depth of processing is one of the 4 pillars of high sensitivity. “There’s that sensitive girl, lost in thought again.”  
    
    Both types are poster-personalities for introspection, reflection, mindfulness, and analysis. They have rich inner-lives that make spelunking into life’s big questions just another Monday morning before coffee.

  • Both introverts and HSPs need a lot of downtime.

    
    
    Introverts can easily become overwhelmed by large gatherings or work environments that involve endless engagement and small talk.
    
    For HSPs, overstimulation goes beyond socializing. They can easily become overwhelmed (another pillar of high sensitivity) by everything in their environments.
    
    (Remember that about 30% of HSPs are extroverts who enjoy and seek out socializing. But they, too, need downtime for their overtaxed nervous systems.)
    
    And sensitive introverts need downtime to recover from all of it.

  • Introverts and HSPs process emotions differently.

    
    
    Sensitives experience depth of emotion as an inherent characteristic. They are deeply affected by experiences that may register much more shallowly (or not at all) for non-Sensitives.
    
    They are natural empaths, even coming across as “psychic” because of their keen ability to read and respond to emotions in others.
    
    Unlike HSPs, introverts don’t necessarily feel or respond to emotions in a deep way. And they may even be reserved in expressing them.

  • Introverts seek solitude. HSPs don’t…necessarily.

    
    
    This is really just another way of stating the biggest distinction between introverts and HSPs.
    
    Introverts are perfectly fine being alone. They have plenty of thinking, imagining, and creating to do without subjecting themselves to shallow conversations in large groups.
    
    It’s as if they intuitively know both the advantages and disadvantages of being an introvert, and they gravitate toward the advantages.
    
    HSPs aren’t much different in that regard. They have rich inner lives and are the most imaginative, creative people on the planet.
    
    But they don’t necessarily want to be alone. At least not all the time. They may want to engage with others and enjoy new experiences. They just don’t want the overwhelm that comes with a lot of social events.
    
    And they still need their regular downtime to manage their sensitivity.
    
    Like the introvert, the HSP craves authenticity in relationships and is therefore more likely to seek small, intimate gatherings.
    
    Remember, too, that about 30% of HSPs are also extroverts who thrive off the energy of others.
    
    However, although they may get their “relational recharge” and energy boost from socializing, they still need downtime. While introverts need downtime from socializing, HSPs in general need neurological downtime from environmental stimulation.

Tips for Helping the Sensitive Introvert Have a Healthy Social Life

Perhaps you grew up knowing you were an introvert, with or without the moniker. You didn’t hang with the popular crowd; you chose books parties; you’ve kept a diary since you could write.

Perhaps people love your company and find you to be an intriguing conversationalist. You just have a limited supply of energy for engaging with people.

And perhaps, at some point later in life, you had a hunch there was even more going on. You learned about high sensitivity, and suddenly everything in your life clicked into place.

Now you’re trying to live your best life. And that means balancing your comfort zone as a sensitive introvert with the need to build and nurture meaningful connections.

Below are 7 tips for how the sensitive introvert can have a healthy social life:

• Lead with your great active listening skills.

  
  
  Both HSPs and introverts are natural listeners.
  
  It makes sense, given that they are so comfortable in their own head-spaces. They think and process before they speak, collecting and weighing information and observations before responding.
  
  If you are a sensitive introvert, you are well equipped to be a great friend, guest, and professional team member.
  
  By listening with the genuine intention of hearing and learning from another person’s perspective, you do what few others do. You make vulnerability safe, trust a no-brainer, and reciprocity of interest a high likelihood.
  
  You also position yourself as a leader and strategic problem-solver because you listen to learn, not react. Your unfiltered, objective listening enables you to notice and process details others may miss.
  
  On the surface it may seem that talking is the primary indicator of communication and engagement. Perhaps that’s why the world seems to be full of chatter and no real connection.
  
  Active listening takes self-awareness, self-control, selfless interest, and humility. And it is the ultimate indicator of engagement. Everyone wants to be heard. Truly, deeply, from-the-heart heard.
  
  How much more authentic would all our relationships be if everyone learned to listen with intention?

• Show genuine interest in others.

  
  
  This goes hand-in-hand with active listening.
  
  If you are genuinely interested in others, your sincerity will shine through. You will make people want to share time and meaningful conversations with you.
  
  And, by focusing on others, you not only compliment them, you take a big burden off yourself.
  
  Now you don’t have to worry about making small-talk, but can guide the conversation toward more meaningful topics. You can make others feel important by asking thoughtful questions and immersing yourself in an unexpected learning experience.
  
  Trust me: People don’t forget those who show a genuine interest in them.

• Ask open-ended questions.

  
  
  Whether you are an HSP, an introvert, or a sensitive introvert, small-talk is not on your list of favorite social activities. If there’s anything that will convince an introvert to stay home, it’s the dread of conversational banality.
  
  We all remember the teacher’s “voice” in the old Peanuts cartoons. “Wawaahwahwaah….” In one ear and out the other. No connection. Just a waste of time that could have been better spent with a good book or beloved pet.
  
  How to get around the threat of small-talk?
  
  Lead with your intention to show interest in others; then pull out those thought-provoking, connection-building, open-ended questions and great listening skills.
  
  “I noticed your beautiful dress from across the room. It’s a vintage piece, isn’t it? Tell me the story behind it!”
  “What inspired you to make such a big change?”
  “What are your thoughts on…?”
  “Would you mind teaching me how to…?”

• Remember the importance of body language.
  

  
  Listening isn’t limited to your ears. It’s a full-body commitment: eye contact, facial expressions, affirmative nodding, leaning toward the speaker, a gentle touch when appropriate.
  
  HSPs are especially adept at paying attention to detail and being fully present to the moment.

• Focus on making a few meaningful and memorable connections, not meeting everyone in the room.

  
  
  For an introvert who doesn’t enjoy big social events in the first place, the thought of countless meet-and-greets can be overwhelming. The whole prospect can make you turn around before arriving.
  
  Add in the characteristics of high sensitivity, and social interactions are only part of the overwhelm. The lights, the background music, the sheer number of people moving in every direction and exuding a spectrum of emotional energy. It can all become too much very quickly.
  
  One tip to help you have a pleasant experience is to find a few people with whom to engage in one-on-one conversation.
  
  Although you may believe you are the only sensitive introvert in the room, I assure you, you’re not. Find someone who looks receptive to kindness and a little authentic conversation. Then just be your big-hearted, sensitive, interested (and interesting) self.
  
  You have the power to turn an overwhelming social “obligation” into a memorable source of new friendships.

• Set time boundaries for yourself.

  
  
  HSPs are famous for being people-pleasers. We want the world to be exceedingly happy with us, so we often forget about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
  
  If you, as a sensitive introvert, are going to have a healthy social life, you have to make boundary-setting a regular practice.
  
  When it comes to socializing, boundaries can look as simple as setting a time limit:
  
  “The party is from 5 to 10. I will commit to attending from 6 to 8.”
  “I will go to the concert with my friends, but I will skip the after-party. I will set up an Uber ahead of time.”
  
  They can also apply to the nature of the social events you choose to attend:
  
  “The holidays are already so demanding. I will choose one party and one small get-together to attend in December.”
  
  By setting realistic boundaries, you make a commitment to yourself before making commitments to others.

• Have a plan for downtime before socializing.

  
  
  If you’re going to fully embrace your personality type and trait as a sensitive introvert, you must plan for downtime.
  
  Sure, everyone needs time to recharge without being pummeled by outside demands.
  
  But sensitive people need downtime in a regular, structured way. Our nervous systems work overtime all the time. And we simply must anticipate the overstimulation we face as Sensitives by scheduling time to “just be.”
  
  And introverts need downtime to recover from the emotional exhaustion they feel from stretching outside their comfort zones socially.
  
  Be kind to yourself and thoughtful about what you schedule on the days surrounding your social engagements. Crowds, travel, noise, lights, unfamiliar settings: They all take a heavy toll on the sensitive and introverted spirit.
  
  Plan for some gentle you-time. Spend time in nature, do something creative, cue a peaceful playlist and soak in the tub. But put it on your calendar at the same time you schedule your social time.
  
  And honor it.

Seeing the Social Possibilities as a Sensitive Introvert

To the non-sensitive, extroverted majority, having one more place to go and thing to do may not seem so bad. Over-scheduled and exhausting at times, but not all-consuming the way it can be for those who are sensitive and introverted.

While it may seem impossible or at least difficult, the sensitive introvert can have a healthy social life. Social connection is vital for a healthy life, and no less so for sensitive introverts than for anyone else.

The key, as I hope you have seen, is to understand and embrace your trait and personality type. Only by doing so can you make choices that honor them while allowing you to live a happy, fulfilling life.

Finally, by finding balance between the gifts and needs of your personality trait and type, you will be an inspiration. 

Others will see in you the genuineness that rises from the way you live and make the world a better place.

Dr. Elayne Daniels is a psychologist, consultant, and international coach in the Boston area whose passion is to help people celebrate their High Sensitivity…and shine their light.

To read more about High Sensitivity, check out some blogs here.