Living genuinely, honestly, compassionately, empathetically: It sounds like a commitment for all humanity. And yet, we’re often caught off-guard when we find ourselves in the presence of someone with these qualities. This authenticity, for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), is so integral to who they are that they can’t imagine being inauthentic. And they’re inclined toward disbelief that the same isn’t true for the rest of the world.
And yet, even when we assume the best in others, we know we live in a highly competitive, self-branded, skeptical world. A world that, sadly, makes authentic people work harder, risk more, and often live without the same understanding they extend.
If you are a Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, your first thought may be: “Wait! I’ve been living that reality my entire life!”
And that aha moment would make perfect sense because authenticity and HSPs go hand-in-hand.
The Connection between Authenticity and HSPs
I’ve said this before, and it’s worth repeating: High sensitivity isn’t about “saints vs. sinners.” It’s not an all-or-nothing fenceline with pretty flowers on one side and a mudslide on the other.
High sensitivity, like most things, including neurodivergence and neurodiversity, exists on a spectrum. It’s not a guarantee of morality, intelligence, or talent. And it definitely is not a distinction between “good” and “bad.”
It’s a temperament, an innate neurological trait that’s not a disorder and therefore has no symptoms, only features and characteristics. And, of course, a person can be sensitive without being “highly sensitive.”
But there are reasons authenticity, for HSPs, is so essential, both for their own self-actualization and for others’ understanding of them.
If high sensitivity had to be defined in one word, I suspect it would be awareness. And that’s because all 4 of the pillar characteristics of high sensitivity involve intense awareness of one’s internal and external environments:
- D: depth of processing
- O: overwhelm/overstimulation
- E: emotional responsiveness/empathy
- S: sensory stimuli sensitivity/sensitivity to subtleties
When it comes to the relationship between HSPs and authenticity, two of these features are especially relevant. Depth of processing and empathy in particular lend themselves to how HSPs relate to others.
An HSP will mentally dissect nearly every piece of incoming information from all the senses. It is an HSP’s combined gift and vulnerability to, in sports terminology, “watch the tapes” and review every play.
While there’s always the risk of rumination and resulting anxiety, the HSP’s natural inclination is to seek connections. Deep, detailed, meaningful connections.
The HSP’s always-on brain analyzes, applies, and files incoming data in an intricate storage system.
What may be “just a movie” to someone less sensitive, for example, may launch an HSP into days of deep thought. Memories of past experiences, complete with unforgotten feelings, can merge with something current to shape relational behavior.
The HSP’s brain, which is a vault of sensory and emotional data, is always building connections. Always going deeper into the details of everything.
I like to think of depth of processing as an HSP’s deep dive in search of truth, understanding, and meaning . “What, why, how? And what should my response be as I know more and better understand?”
And, perhaps most importantly, “How can I become the best version of myself? What do I need to learn, think, say, and do in order to be my best self?”
Depth of processing is, in many ways, foundational to the pillar characteristic of empathy, or emotional responsiveness.
People who rank high in empathy have a hyperactive mirror neuron system. Mirror neurons allow them to feel what others are feeling, even as if it were happening to themselves. Translation: compassion and empathy.
Research also shows that HSP brains have stronger activation in regions involved in awareness, planning, empathy, and self-other processing.
Inevitably, a person who spends time in self-contemplation is going to become more aware of everything.
Once you know, you can’t pretend you don’t; once you have been enlightened, you can’t recede into darkness.
As an HSP, you’re an open invitation to life’s infinite nuances. You can’t help it.
And you can’t help but respond accordingly.
So that rose that opened overnight? That sunset that looks like orange juice splashed across the sky? That hungry child who barely has energy to drop the tears in his eyes?
Yeah, you as an HSP are going to notice all of it. And you’re going to process and respond to those experiences through the only filter you have: the filter of authenticity.
Understanding the Importance of Authenticity for HSPs
It’s one thing to talk about the authenticity inherent in HSPs. It’s another to talk about their need for authenticity in their lives.
We who wear the mantle of high sensitivity know, at a cellular level, the anguish of being misunderstood. Of being called “too sensitive.” Of being overlooked, discounted, and criticized for “thinking too much,” “crying too much,” “feeling too much.”
We know what it’s like to be the one others run to for understanding and comfort. To be the unpaid counselor, the “friend to everyone,” despite having limited relationships.
We know what it’s like to feel anxious, out-of-place, overstimulated, and lonely in a crowd.
We know what it’s like to work at soulless jobs just to survive. And all the while yearning to be recognized and rewarded for our gifts – gifts that others often only dream of.
And we know what it’s like to opt for solitude because it offers greater odds of rich thought and imagination. We would rather venture out (or in) alone, knowing we can then be fully present to what is genuine.
Whether introverted HSPs or the less-common extraverted HSPs, we know that authenticity is invigorating, while inauthenticity is draining. (And we know, no matter what, that we are going to need some downtime after any period of stimulation.)
And, tragically, most of us know what it’s like, however unintentionally, to live a lie. To want so badly to fit in that we would assume ourselves to be flawed and therefore obligated to compromise.
The result, of course, is always an inner-aching, emptiness, “self-disorientation,” fear of being in emotional danger, even depression.
Interestingly, a study presented by Researchgate speaks of the experience of “depressive disorder” not in terms of extreme sadness. It considers depression as a state of “existential isolation” and a “process of impoverishment.”
Think, then, of how the slippery slope of disconnection affects the sensitive soul, perpetually oriented toward meaningful connection.
To live and work in a state of inauthenticity is its own form of disconnect for the HSP. But to further withdraw out of futility in finding authenticity in relationships and experiences can be devastating.
The importance of authenticity for HSPs extends to all facets of their lives. But nowhere is it more important than in their relationships.
They have no desire or need for small-talk or predictable, scripted soundbites of interaction. Platitudes. And they certainly have no need to waste their wholehearted intuition, compassion, and innovative ideas on a dismissive audience.
Sure, even HSPs know that life can’t be 24/7 “deep thoughts.” Because of their innate attention to detail, for example, HSPs often have brilliant senses of humor. (But they are also sensitive to jokes at others’ expense. Some things simply aren’t funny to HSPs, leading them to suffer the “lighten up” judgment.)
When it comes to their careers, those that cater to both the gifts and vulnerabilities of HSPs are ideal. It goes without saying that environments that foster creativity, autonomy, flexibility, kindness, and appreciation are ones in which HSPs can thrive.
Interestingly, bosses who are authentic and exhibit qualities of high sensitivity have better relationships with their employees. Their own vulnerability makes them more trustworthy and desirable to work with. Everyone, and even the bottom line, benefits.
Finding and Cultivating Authenticity as an HSP
Being sensitive in a relatively insensitive world can be frustrating and lonely. And extracting it from an overpopulated, overstimulating world can feel defeating.
But, as an HSP, you have a treasure trove of gifts to help you attract and find the authenticity you seek. Your intuition, empathy, and ability to assimilate and process detailed information are all enviable assets.
You will, however, have to lean into your discernment as to where you seek the authentic relationships you long for.
Again, tap into the very nature of your trait. Where can you find collaboration instead of competition? Nature instead of noise? Service instead of self-promotion? Creativity instead of predictability and staleness? Flexibility instead of rigidness?
If you aren’t in a position to leave a job you don’t like, then use your creativity to propose positive change. And use your personal time as an opportunity to make wise, authentic choices in friends and social activities.
If you are single and dating, take things slowly. Make sure anyone you enter into a relationship with understands what it means to date – and eventually love – an HSP.
It’s important to remember that not everyone is going to feel, sympathize, or empathize to the depth that you do. That can be a challenging reality for an HSP to accept. But that disparity is not necessarily indicative of selfishness or shallowness.
It’s also important – imperative, actually – that you set healthy boundaries around your beautiful sensitivity. Your empathy, for example, doesn’t mean you have to take on the suffering of others. You can empathize without allowing another’s pain to incapacitate or debilitate you.
And, perhaps the biggest challenge in finding and cultivating authentic relationships: learning to say no. Ugh. It can be so, so difficult for the HSP who dreads conflict and wants everyone to be happy.
However, if you immerse yourself in the company of authentic people, you will help each other establish and uphold those boundaries. “No” will not be perceived as a threat, but as an honest expression of personal limits.
And honesty, of course, is the heart of authenticity.
Finally, let the words of Shakespeare’s Polonius guide your commitment to authenticity:
This, above all: to thine own self be true.
Dr. Elayne Daniels is a psychologist, consultant, and international coach in the Boston area whose passion is to help people celebrate their High Sensitivity…and shine their light.
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